The Faraway Beer, Chapter 27 – The Land of Drink-What-You-Please

Lemon Meringue PiePA

Lemon Oat Cream IPA

2 Birds

                They looked around, perplexed, until Dick proclaimed loudly “I say! Where on earth are we?”

A strange little man in brightly coloured clothes, who happened to be passing said “No-where!”

                “Now hang about” said Dick. “How can we be no-where?”

                “You aren’t nowhere” stated the wizened little man, cryptically.

                Dick was confused. “But you just said…”

                “I know what I just said. I said “no-where” because you are no-where on earth. You aren’t ‘No-where’, for that is someplace else. You are in the Land of Drink-What-You-Please!” He beamed.

                “Gosh” said Fanny. “Does that mean we can have anything we like to drink?”

                “More than that” said the strange little man, beaming all the while. “You can have anything you can think of to drink!” He looked at all of them in turn. “All you need do is simply say out loud what you should like and it shall appear as if by magic! What do you think of that?”

                “Golly” said Jo.

                “Gosh” said Dick.

                “But good heavens, where are our manners!” cried Bessie. “We haven’t even introduced ourselves! I’m Bessie, this is Jo and Fanny, and that’s our cousin Dick. What is your name?”

                “Why I’m surprised you haven’t heard of me” said the little man, a little huffily. “I’m the Incredibly-Racist-Stereotype Pixie!”

                “Well, we are pleased to meet you, I’m sure” said Bessie, politely. “I say, I’m simply gasping for something lovely, but what shall I have?”

                “How about an IPA that tastes like Lemon Meringue Pie?” said Dick.

                “Gosh, that sounds good. Lemon Meringue PiePA’s all round, I should think!”

And just like that, with a little <poof> tall glasses of completely opaque, fizzy, fuzzy, hazy, golden yellow beer appeared in all of their hands.

                “Mmm” said Fanny as the perfume hit her nose. “Smells just like zesty lemon curd!”

                “I agree!” said Jo, taking a big gulp. “O! I can almost feel the pillowy mounds of marshmallowy meringue, and the luscious, zingy lemon curd!”

                “Rather!” ejaculated Dick, excitedly. “I daresay its due to the nitro, or maybe the… Oat cream, perhaps?”

                “Now do you suppose that means it has lactose and oats in it, or some sort of non-dairy version of cream?” asked Fannie, all-of-a-muddle.

                “Honestly, I don’t know. What it means is a rip-roaringly creamy beer!”

                “I’ll say!” cried Fannie. “Unmistakeably sweet and lemony, almost like lollies! And the fruitiness of it almost suggests other fruit as well. It’s almost mango-y, or some other tropical fruit.”

                “Do you like it?” asked the Gosh-So-Racist Pixie.

“Well, I do” proclaimed Dick, loudly. “It really is a different beast from out of the can or in the glass.”

                “That’s true of all beers” agreed the Way-More-Racist-Than-I-Remembered Pixie, amiably. “But maybe even moreso in this case.”

                “Indeed!” said Bessie. “I like the way the bitterness is barely there, but just a little snags on the back palate, and lingers, and grows. Hops, I think, but also that first flush may be the citrus peel?”

                “Quite. Personally, I like the way its sweet but not cloying. Nice full mouthfeel, but not chewy” said the Gosh-Was-This-Ever-Really-Appropriate Pixie.

                “Except…” said Bessie.

                “Except…?” prompted the Surely-Censored-In-Modern-Reprints Pixie.

                “Well, it has all the components of a lemon meringue pie, but it sort of… doesn’t quite taste like a lemon meringue pie, exactly?”

                “Well what do you want, you foolish girl?” asked the Product-Of-Another-Time-I-Guess Pixie. “Is it not wonderful?”

                “It is” agreed Bessie. “It just feels a touch… discordant, but also… not really.”

                “Well I, for one, vouchsafe that it is a perfectly enjoyable beer, and I rather think it’s more of a concept than a straight copy of the flavours, more sort of ‘borrowing elements from’, and the like” said Jo, like a dick. But he was right. And they all agreed that it was a lovely drop after all.

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